July 11, 2010
I sat at my computer last night and wrote a letter to God. It seems lately, my faith has taken a back burner to everything. For most of my life, I have sought God's guidance on all things. I don't have a daily quiet time...usually it's just a constant conversation.
You see, my father and I don't have much of a relationship anymore. My Grandmother encourages me to reach out to him, however, I have and I am tired of having my heart broken. As a kid, it wasn't as bad then, but then marrying an ex-con when your dad is a police officer has to be kind of a slap in the face. Ironically, my dad would be surprised at how alike they are.
Next in line as a stand-in father was my grandfather. But when he died a few years ago, that too was lost. All in all, though, I have always looked to God as my Father. Well, lately, I have had that same lonely feeling; the loss of my "father".
So last night, I sat down and wrote a letter to God. I have tried praying lately and I get too distracted by life and everything. So, I wrote and I wrote and I cried and I cried. And then, even after trying for hours to no avail, I slept. What I said to Him is between He and I, however, I do know that in this situation, it is very easy to feel lost. And when your sisters are not there to hold your hand, the sisters who understand you, it is always best to sit down and write a letter to God.
Faith is hard enough to come by these days. But even more so when your significant other is not there beside you. Not only do you have to have faith in yourself, but faith in him as well. However, I have found that the more faith you have in God to sustain you, the more faith you have in everything else.
Some people don't believe that God talks to people. But He does. Sometimes it's the whisper of the wings of a butterfly. Sometimes, it's a rainbow in the sky. And sometimes, it's an audible voice. For me, it's been all of the above and then some.
I don't want to seem preachy, but I do want you all to understand the biggest way I "get through" this situation is through faith. I am praying for each and every one of you. You are my family, you are my sisters. And I want you to all know that I love you all.
When you feel all hope is lost, deepen your faith. God is always
reaching down to you, sometimes though, we have to remember to reach up.
Posted by Cheryl L. Posted In : Random Thoughts
April 29, 2010
Many times, we sit and wonder what we can do to make our loved one more comfortable in prison, help them better their lives, and help them get home faster. Most people don't realize that if your loved one is up for parole, they monitor everything from books they are sent to the letters and visits they get. So what can you do to help your loved one in prison? Commisary: Just like you have to be smart with your money on the outside, your loved one needs to be smart with his money on the inside.... Continue reading...
Posted by Cheryl L. Posted In : Being supportive
April 28, 2010
Since the airing of the Prison Wives show, I have received so many emails from women all over the US. Many of the emails I have gotten are from women who are not in the same situation, but our stories have touched their hearts. The amount of support I have received just overwhelms my heart. I am so blessed to have each of you in my life. In addition to letters of support, of course I have gotten some nasty-grams, as I like to call them. People assume all kinds of things about people in our si... Continue reading...
Posted by Cheryl L. Posted In : Random Thoughts
March 8, 2010
I am tired.
I have seriously been burning the candle at both ends lately. In an effort to keep things going while my husband is locked up, I accepted a promotion at work, took my daughter out of public school to home school her, and started back to school in a matter about a week. And now, I am exhausted.
Many times, for me, when I am sad or missing my husband, I throw myself into the craziness of life and keep as busy as possible to keep out the pain. I feel like if I am too tired to think at... Continue reading...
Posted by Cheryl L. Posted In : Technically Single
December 23, 2009
My grandfather had this funny saying about my life. "If it weren't for Bad Luck, you'd have no luck at all". This saying really made me laugh in the times when things seemed to be at their worst. I just have always seemed to run that way. In my life, things don't just go wrong...they end up being a snow- ball- rolling -down- hill- kind- of -wrong. One thing will happen and then a succession of things happen until i just want to sit on the floor and cry or laugh hysterically until the people c... Continue reading...
Posted by Cheryl L. Posted In : Random Thoughts
December 15, 2009
Sometimes you feel, being the wife of an inmate, that you will never truly get it all together. You struggle to make ends meet, you are constantly tired, and if you have kids...whoa Nellie! There are so many things I would like to be able to do. And there are times when I do get a bit selfish and indulge in an $8 novel (on which I have no business buying because that money could be used for something useful) and escape for a few hours of "me" time. But you have to do things like that sometime... Continue reading...
Posted by Cheryl L. Posted In : Random Thoughts
October 5, 2009
I have had one of those days weeks months. You know the ones I mean. First one thing goes wrong and then, it’s not long before 20 more follow. Just when you think that you may just get out of this thing alive…life happens. It’s like Murpeys Law on steroids.
You try and you try but nothing seems to go right. And then you feel like throwing up your hands and saying “FORGET IT! I GIVE UP!” I have felt that way many times. And even just recently. Ok, fine…just today. You think to ... Continue reading...
Posted by Cheryl L. Posted In : Random Thoughts
September 22, 2009
No one person sets out and says, “I am going to marry an inmate”. It is not something you plan for. There is no insurance or savings plan for your spouse going to jail.
So when you are in that situation, you feel lost and confused. Forget trying to find anyone who actually understands. You are in a labyrinth of emotions and drowning in debt.
Aside from the confusion and money matters, what hinders you the most? Do you know that it is you? WHAT!!?? Yes. You will hinder yourself from ac... Continue reading...
Posted by Cheryl L. Posted In : Experience Has Taught Me
September 22, 2009
When the loneliness sets in and you are missing your other half, how do you deal with it? The intimacy you are missing is important to your relationship. But if your loved one is in prison, how do you keep that intimacy alive? How can you be intimate with someone who is not there?
What exactly is intimacy? Most equate intimacy as sex. It can be that but is so much more. Intimacy in its truest sense is closeness and the feeling of belonging. So when the one you are closest to is not present, ... Continue reading...
Posted by Cheryl L. Posted In : Missing Someone
July 27, 2009
Shattered. A million little pieces. Sometimes having a loved one locked up makes you feel this way. Your family is broken, your marriage or relationship broken. Your life…broken. Like pieces are missing and even if you put your life back together, there are still holes.
And the tears fall at random, landing where they may. Tears are ironic. Do you cry for your loss or cry in relief? Do you cry for your children who have lost their father. Do you cry for yourself for the loss of your othe... Continue reading...
Posted by Cheryl L. Posted In : Random Thoughts
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About Me
You never know what you really know until you are put to the test.
There are many things I never thought I would ever know about. Being the wife of an inmate is one of them.
You always dream as a child of what your future might hold. Of marriage and career and children. But you never imagine that one day, your husband would turn to drugs to fight his demons or that he would turn to stealing to support this self medication.
But the biggest thing I never knew is how strong I really was. I have a close friend who has asked me several times, "How do you do it? How do you stay so strong? How do you keep smiling in the midst of everything?"
I really don't know how to answer these questions. Being both mom and dad to our daughters never seemd like it was a choice I made, but one that was made for me. The hand I was dealt. Of course, some may argue that it was of my choosing since I decided to stay.
Some days I don't feel very strong. I would say my faith has kept me strong or at least given me the facade of being strong. But even my faith is shaky at best sometimes.
I would say my children make me strong. And they do give me the strength to persevere, yet...
I think of myself as a survivor. I have survived leukemia. I have survived childhood molestation. I have survived and thrived despite the fact that the cards are stacked against me.
I do not like victims. I do not have patience for people who blame everything that happens on someone or something else. I do not have pity for someone who cannot hold themselves accountable for their actions. And I.WILL.NOT. let anything, take my strength from me.
I don't think strength is being strong or "keeping your chin up". I think strength is courage under fire. Courage is not the lack of fear. It is looking fear in the eye and not backing down. It is not running. It is getting up everyday and just facing it. That's it. Nothing more.
So am I strong? I think so. I am strong on the fact that I make mistakes, but I am a good mother. I am strong in the fact that love is action and not words. And I am strong in the fact that though my husband is not beside me right now, I know that love never fails.
So I will wait. And sometimes I will be sad and lonely. Sometimes, I will be frustrated and angry. Always, though I know that I am strong. I know that I can do things on my own. After all, I am a survivor. I am strong. And I know now, that I can do anything.
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